Life as Pulpit - When Life Falls Apart, Re-Released . . .
I have a confession: I am easily brought down by the way that I perceive others may be assessing my life.
I was of completely sound mind when I released this blog post and corresponding video a year and a half ago, even though my life was truly unraveling. It was one of the many steps that I began to take to come out of hiding and face the world again. I believe in the power of story and authenticity. I believe in healing in the midst of the mess.
The response to this post was . . . mixed. I got a number of private messages and phone calls of people checking in on me, for which I am extremely grateful. Healing is often expedited in healthy community. I was aware that all of the views were largely a result of the curiosity of those who had heard bits and pieces of the falling apart, and came for more of the story. Who doesn’t like a little drama? I was commended by some to keep being vulnerable and told by others that it is simply too much. I’ll admit: It is a little cringey. But isn’t life a little cringey sometimes?
In preparation for the new post dropping tomorrow, “Life as Pulpit - When Life Starts to Come Back Together”, I decided to re-release this one, mixed response or not. Perhaps it’s all part of embracing my voice, in hopes that you will embrace yours as well.
Perhaps healing comes more quickly when we embrace our inner truth and outer reality — even in the middle of the mess.
(Life as Pulpit - When Life Falls Apart, Originally posted in April, 2020)
I have a confession: I am 40 years old and I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
Yes, there is a story here. A real story. My story. I'm living right in the middle of it, holding on and clamoring for meaning in the mess. It's the open heart surgery of my life and sometimes I feel like I'm bleeding out. Sometimes the circumstances of life take us from 100 to 0 in an instant and we go from thriving to barely surviving without warning.
It's the open heart surgery of my life and sometimes I feel like I'm bleeding out.
Sometimes the circumstances of life take us from 100 to 0 in an instant and we go from thriving to barely surviving without warning.
I often ask myself, "What happened to that little girl with dreams in her heart, an unstoppable imagination, and a pure, trusting, and peaceful spirit?"
Life. Life happened.
Perhaps life has happened to you too. One way or another, life happens to all of us. Sometimes life falls apart. We may bring it on ourselves or it may be completely out of our control. Death, job loss, relationship turmoil, financial stress, a global pandemic.
When life falls apart, what message may life be teaching us? When life falls apart, how can your life speak to someone else?
Here is what I am learning:
I must not deny the reality of the present. I cannot go under it, over it, or around it. The only true way to find healing when life falls apart is to stare reality straight in the face and walk right through the fire.
I cannot do it alone. When life falls apart, find your safe people and cling to them. Let them love you. Ask yourself "Who are my safe people?" Look for those who truly care and not those who are just curious.
I must examine and claim my inner truth. There is freedom in confronting demons, desires, and disappointment. At the same time, inspect your perspectives and don't neglect your directives. For me, this means that my inner truth must not live in opposition to God's truth and I must find a way to reconcile the two.
There is no point in sugar coating my prayers. Are you mad at God? Say it. God can take it! Maybe in the extreme difficulties of life, acknowledging doubt and questions is what keeps us truly connected to God and drives us closer to Him more than anything else ever could.
I have to be patient with myself and give myself grace. Release control. Sometimes the only way to survive is one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
It's okay to take a break. At the same time, even when life is falls apart, I don't have to sit on the bench. My life can speak even when I'm a hot freakin' mess. Don't believe the lie that you have to have it together and have things figured out to make a difference. (By the way... those people who seem to have it all together? They don't!)
What is the reality of the present for you? Don't deny it or avoid it. Find healing and walk straight through it.
Who are your safe people? Let them love you. You don't have to be strong.
If you were to honestly and unreservedly express the truth of your inner story right now, what would you say?
My truth is that the little girl is still in there... full of wide-eyed wonder, dreaming, praying, trusting, while simultaneously weeping, doubting, confused, and scared. And she is not going to give up. She is going to keep pushing forward.
Psalm 31:7: “Even during this crisis in my soul I will be radiant with joy, filled with praise for your love and mercy."
You alone are my God. My destiny is in your hands.
Share in the comments what you have learned when life falls apart. We are not alone.
Tam XOXO
P.S. Check out the video on YouTube. I caught one of those moments when life went from 100 to 0. It's getting real up in here.