I have a confession : Sometimes I don’t know how I am here.

Last week, my brother-in-law asked me, “How are you still . . . HERE?”

First of all, thank you for noticing.

How AM I still here?

I knew what he meant without any further explanation. I am still ‘here’ — Living, functioning, not giving up. I am still ‘here’ - Not giving in to complete cynicism or bitterness. I am still ‘here’ - present with my family - rather than in an asylum. I am still ‘here’ - rather than actually 6 feet under.

How am I still here? How am I not just alive, but actually living?

Again, thank you for noticing. Thank you for acknowledging that life has given me all the reasons not to be ‘here.’

And I know I’m not the only one. For many of us, the pain of life sometimes is almost too much to bear and we have every reason to give in and give up. And yet, somehow, a mysterious grit and resilience springs up from unknown places - within and beyond us.

How am I still here?

The simple and quick answer to how I am still here is the Lord and the Lord’s faithfulness. Yes, of course. I can easily speak to still being here because of the ability to build on the experiences of mystery and faithfulness, years in the making. For that, I am so grateful.

I am also still here because I continually realize how much - and how little - my little life “matters” in the midst of the mystery of the universe. There is something so freeing about realizing how small I am in the midst of the vast creation of the universe. And, there is something so meaningful about being a unique part of this vast creation. That mystery keeps me alive and awake and curious and hopeful.

I am here because I am discovering the mystery of living free and ditching the misplaced merit of living good.

Read that again.

To be good is to be desired or approved of. Much of my life I have fallen into the trap of focusing on living good rather than living free. To live free is to no longer be confined or imprisoned. To live free is to rise above limited perspectives. To live free is to no longer live with fear and want. To live free is to live with passion.

According to Saint Ignatius of Loyola, freedom asks that we learn discernment. Freedom asks that we discover the personal movements of our soul. If we want to be truly free, we have to acknowledge the depth of our emotions, receive them, feel them, reflect on them. To live free means that all fear is overtaken by love.

How am I here? I am here because I am learning to live in the Freedom of Grace.

Richard Rohr calls this the economy of grace:

“The switch to an economy of grace is very hard for humans to make. We base almost everything in human culture on achievement, performance, accomplishment, and equal exchange value, or some kind of worthiness gauge . . . Unless we personally experience a dramatic and personal breaking of the rules of merit (forgiveness or undeserved goodness), it is almost impossible to disbelieve or operate outside of its rigid logic. This cannot happen theoretically or abstractly. It cannot happen ‘out there’ but must be personally ‘in here.’”

(You should read that again too. Just, wow.)

Are you living? Are you ‘here’?

You matter. In the midst of the mystery and beauty of creation, you and your life has unique value and significance. You deserve to be regarded and considered.

Are you living? Are you ‘here’?

Your life does not have to look ‘good’ or ‘right’. Maybe it is time to learn to live free.

How am I still here?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I ask myself this every day. But I’m going to keep showing up.  I am going to keep learning to live free. I am going to keep being here - Alive and living in the mystery and messiness of whatever moments come my way. I hope that you will be here too.

“I have come to give the good life, a life that overflows with beauty and harmony.” - John 10:10, fnv