I have a confession: My humanity shows sometimes.

As an Enneagram 1, it is an understatement to say that this is extremely uncomfortable.

. . . My humanity has been showing. Perhaps not to anyone but myself, but my feelings and my thoughts often reveal my humanity. Sometimes the swollen skin around my eyes reveals my humanity as well. It seems that tears sometimes erupt into sobs at the most unexpected moments and the most unexpected times.

As an Enneagram 1, shame is repulsive to the inner core of who I am. At the same time, I am so easily seduced by it and sometimes just can’t shake it. It is easy to become stuck in shame. Between my own insecurities and the the ways of the world, it is painfully easy to remain stuck in a shameful state.

Recently, I was watching a television show and I found myself relating to fictional characters, whose lives are absolutely nothing like mine, on a deeply human level. I found myself weeping for humanity, and the brokenness, that so many sometimes find ourselves in. Life hurts. Sometimes we do things or things are done to us that shake us to the core and we want to hide. Ironically, we hide, and yet what we desire most is to truly be seen.

Why? Why do we feel the need to hide and why do we push one another into hiding? Why is there so much fear surrounding our broken places? Sometimes the reality is that in the midst of life, dreams are shattered, relationships are ruined, careers are forever pushed off the rails - because our humanity shows just a little bit too much. I wonder, why can’t we all just say to one another, “Me too.” “ So, you’ve experienced that awful thing? You struggle with something awful? You have doubts and questions? OK. So what? Me too.”

Too often, instead, we push one another further down the road of shame. I have had people I love and trust push me to recount that which already leaves me stuck. It is painful and cruel, to say the least.

Often we feel like we have something to lose when our brokenness and our humanity shows. We feel this way because we probably do have something to lose. It is gross and it is all based in fear. It is based in control.

The seduction of shame keeps us stuck. Wounded people remind us of our shame. And in turn, we remind one another.

On that show I was watching, there was a character whose brokenness and wrongdoing became painfully public - her private life was suddenly on display for the world to see and perceive and judge. In the midst of that, someone spoke up publicly about the audacity of it all, directly to the person blowing the whistle. “And so what? Have you ever done anything you regret? That you wish you could take back? Why does any one of us think that we are better than anyone else?”

It strikes me that picking at each other’s flaws and shortcomings and picking at our own flaws and shortcomings keeps our focus away from the real issues. It is an evil distraction. It keeps us from the ability of coming together as humans and meeting the real needs in the world. It keeps us from loving one another and loving ourselves in a way that changes the world for good. It keeps us from living and loving. It keeps us in a state of worry instead of a state of healing and joy.

One of my favorite saints is Saint Ignatius of Loyola. He realized that he was continually brought back into the desolation of his soul. He had obsessive memories of sin in his life, and was constantly under a compulsion to repeat them in confession. Every time he did so, he would again feel self loathing and the urge to give up. At last, he experienced deliverance. He said he had an experience as if he awoke from deep sleep. “He realized that the scruples and compulsions (of constant confession) could not possibly come from God. They were evil, and had to come from some other source. Once again, he examined the diversity of spirits at conflict within him, and decided with great lucidity not to confess anything from the past anymore. From that day on, the scruples left him.” (Ignatian Humanism, Ronald Modras)

It is time to shake off the seduction of shame and become unstuck.

Perhaps, once and for all, we need to release ourselves, and one another, from shame. Perhaps, herein lies the beautiful discovery of freedom and healing and true love. We need to have the courage to allow our humanity to show without fear. Perhaps in doing so we will release one another to do the same.