Shame Doesn’t Get the Last Word

I have a confession: I have realized recently that there is still shame and mistrust toward myself that creeps into my mind. This securely takes away from a calm inner awareness and acceptance . . . And I just want to get rid of it. Forever, for good.

“Where is this coming from?” I ask myself. I know that I have forgiven and released the shame upon myself from my past failures and mistakes and absolute train wrecks. I am aware that I no longer live in the shadows of the past - and there is such freedom in that!  And, I recognize that shame and mistrust still show up in ways that cause me to justify myself to myself and to remain stuck. I realize that all too often compassion for my present self is lacking. I get stuck in shaming myself for small and big things. I seem to want to demand perfection - and lack thereof - leads to a mistrust of self that disturbs that calm inner awareness that brings peace and stability.

I shame myself for “being too lazy” or I think to myself “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?”

I ‘should’ on myself as if my very existence depends on it. (The plight of an Enneagram One, perhaps.) I should be more consistent. Or maybe I should give myself more grace. I should be more active. Or maybe I should slow down. I should talk and contribute more. I should remain silent. I should be less vulnerable. I should be more attentive. I should be less awkward. I should be more expressive about the causes that matter to me. Or maybe I should tone down my passion. (I should be writing my dissertation - or sleeping! - instead of writing songs and blog posts!)

When my present self does not live up to my standards and self-imposed expectations, or I truly do “mess up”, the shameful thoughts have to be fought off with force. Luckily, the fighter in me is simply not backing down.

And so, I ask myself, “How do I release shame and offer constant grace to my present self? How do I quit the false demands of perfection?”

Richard Rohr says that we must observe ourselves from a compassionate and non-judgmental distance and connect with the Indwelling Presence of the Holy Spirit. It is in this space that negative energy and motivation will be exposed and fall away and there will no longer mistrust, fear, or negativity.

I am so close to living in that space. How I hope you’ll join me there. Oh, let it be so.