I have a confession: I prayed some audacious prayers and then things got really complicated. .

Over a year ago I prayed, "Lord, peel back the layers of resistance. Bring the darkness to light. Bring to the surface that which is hidden."

What was I thinking? Somehow I missed the memo that growth is painful. A few months later I prayed for spiritual poverty. Again, what idiot utters such a prayer? Me, apparently.

Somehow I missed the memo that growth is painful.

And then it started... illumination of lies I'd been telling myself. Revelation of hidden frustrations and desires. Brokenness that ushered in spiritual poverty.

Almost two years ago, I woke up suddenly from a very vivid dream. It was a scene I had lived out dozens of times. I was at the playground with the kids and as usual and it was a disaster when it was time leave. It didn't matter if we stayed for four hours or ten minutes; it was never enough for them. They always threw a fit. When I woke up, I sensed the gentle, yet candid voice of God ringing in my heart. "Tamara. You are that child on the playground. No matter how much I give you, it is never enough."

Ouch. I realize that I am a product of this culture- programmed to want more... entitlement without thankfulness, gifts without celebration.

I recognize that I am a fragile, broken, imperfect human. I also have come to know that God loves me just for being me. God doesn't love me because I do or don't do the 'right' thing. God doesn't withhold love when I don't perform. I asked God for spiritual poverty, for humility, for things that are buried to come to the surface so that I can have more of what God has. God continues to answer that prayer in such a strange and painful way. I feel so loved and I am so grateful.

I love and seek God and desire to draw others to him. I am kind and passionate and I think about deep spiritual things. I am also complex and sinful and selfish. Both things are real and can exist together. One does not discount the other. They are not mutually exclusive. It is all me. I am not a lie.

As I join the ranks of the spiritually poor, I am slowly embracing a new kind of freedom. My spiritually poor soul hears the voice of the Lord speaking sweetly to my spirit. God says...

"You don't have to try. Trying is a form of resistance. Move from trying to trust."

Trying is a form of resistance. Move from trying to trust.

"Your pursuit of Me is not an end in itself. Live in loving community with others with abandon."

"No one is disqualified. Don't you dare count yourself out!"

"Come to me."

"The path to transformation is not straight. You have to come face to face with your humanity and the depth of my love."

And even in the midst of the uncertainty, I continue to cry out to God. I want more of what God has.

"God! Get the filthy remaining residue of religiosity off of me!"

"Make me spiritually poor. Make me completely aware of my poverty and my need for you".

"Help me to find the pace of peace. Unravel my entanglements. Rid me of my obsession with myself. At the end of myself is where I find You."

"God, somehow in your grace, in spite of me, draw my heart to you. Bind it to yours, whatever it takes. My heart is often tethered to loss, sin, dashed dreams, fear, selfishness. Untether my heart. Bind it to you, Lord, so that I may be truly free."

In those times when life is falling apart and your spirit is poor and weak, God is doing something really important. Don't check out. Don't fall behind; don't rush ahead.

God loves me simply for being me. God loves you simply for being you. God's love is not based on performance, progress, or perfection. Do we even know how to receive that kind of love?

God's love is not based on performance, progress, or perfection!

Do you have the courage to join the ranks of the poor in spirit? God is a loving captain and He can be trusted.

"What happiness comes to you when you feel your spiritual poverty!
For theirs is the realm of heaven's kingdom 
What delight comes to you the you wait upon the Lord!
For you will find what you are looking for."
Matthew 5:3,4 (The Passion Translation)

What does it mean for you to embrace spiritual poverty? Have you ever thought about it before? Let's talk about it in the comments!

Tam xoxo

Check out Spiritual Poverty as Pulpit on the Life as Pulpit YouTube channel!

Spiritual Poverty as Pulpit on Youtube