Meeting Myself

I have a confession: I have lived most of my life hiding in false and incomplete identities.

I think it is past time that I meet myself.

Probably around 10 years ago I was driving down the road and a thought entered my mind. I believe it to be a divine voice. The voice came with a question: “What if you no longer were connected with the institution that has been so central to your life? What if your connection with the church group that has been so much a part of your identity is taken away? Would life still be enough? Would you still be enough? Would God be enough?”

I recall immediately being brought to tears as my spirit exclaimed, “Yes! I am willing to give up everything to experience the more that life holds.”

Little did I know how painful this journey into the discovery of True Self would be.

Over the past several years I have come to realize that even though the path of life has not turned out in the ways that I had dreamed and imagined, the shedding of the layers of a false self and false identities are continually leading me nearer to the heart of God and into this profoundly spacious place where I am learning to Meet Me. I am Meeting Myself as layers are removed: letting go of any form of identity connected to institutions, systems, titles, positions, labels, or woundedness. It is in this raw place that I am finding peace through simply being the daughter of the Creator God and rediscovering loving community.

I have been a pastor’s daughter, a student, a pastor, a wife, a mother, a divorced pastor, a victim, a single mom.

Far too often I have embraced a negative storyline in my life.

This storyline is self-serving, and it keeps me in the false security of control. Why have I desperately held onto a negative storyline? Is it shame? Is it trying to make sense of life? Is it pride?

As I continue to Meet Myself, I realize that I don’t need to control, fix, or protect. I need to trust.

I no longer need to live in a wounded identity.

I am not a victim.

I am not a failure.

I am human.

I am a child of God. No matter what.

I am loved by God. No matter what.

I can live in the peace and freedom and presence of God.

I am gifted to teach and lead.

I am forgiven and compassionate and passionate, and I believe in transformation.

I can cast aside negative storylines, self serving agendas, and mistakes. I can embrace my shadow side without shame.

Don’t show up as an imposter. Show up as you really are.

I have a long way to go, but I am going to wake up everyday and lean into Meeting Myself a little more.

Maybe it is time that you meet yourself too. Maybe we can meet ourselves together.

“ . . . When we know God, we seem to know and accept our own humanity; when we meet ourselves at profound levels of recognition, we also meet God. We don’t have any real access to who we are except through God, and we don’t have any real access to God, except through forgiving and rejoicing in our own humanity.” (Rohr, Richard. Everything belongs: The gift of contemplative prayer. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company, 2014, p88.)

I am.

God is.

We are.