Full

This goes out to all of my friends who are full, but never quite satisfied.

Also, I have a confession: I have struggled with having the ability to get full for most of my life, on many levels. I have joked many times when others sitting around the table, utter the words, “I am so full!” My response is often, “What does that even feel like?” as I shove yet another tortilla chip in my mouth. So, yeah, this girl can eat.

There have also been many times when life has appeared full and good from the outside, and yet on the inside I have struggled with discontentment and dissatisfaction.

For most of my life, I have longed to be content and at peace. Growing up in the church and falling in love with reading the Bible at a young age, I have the words of scripture etched on my brain and heart. I often felt guilty that I couldn’t quite find the contentment I read about in the Bible. Was there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Am I not loved enough?

I read this scripture and I wanted it so, so badly:

“I know the experience of being in need and of having more than enough; I have learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance, whether full or hungry or whether having plenty or being poor.” (Philippians 4:12, CEB)

When I lacked contentment, I often thought that if I could just do more or study more or understand more or serve more that maybe I would get the reward of peace.

That narrative is a lie.

It seems that there is great joy in letting go of that lie and accepting myself with all my strengths and all my flaws and leaning in to living.

Now, it seems, from the outside, my life may not appear all that great. Life has taken a few nosedives, you might say. And yet, sitting in the pit can be the place where the guilt is released and fullness is found. Life is so beautifully full. I am so full.

I have full-time and part-time work that I absolutely love. I meet new and fascinating people daily and I have new friendships that I am anxious to nurture. I snuggle my dog and water my plants and chase sunsets and laugh and talk with my children. I dream of possibilities and set new goals and make lots and lots of lists. I sing and meditate and breathe.

I am full.

Does this mean that I don’t still worry about finances and kids and my pants being too tight and the weeds in my yard? I do. Every single day, more than I want to admit. Does this mean that I don’t take advantage of every streaming platform and binge watch shows like it’s my third job sometimes? Again, more than I would like to admit. Does this mean that I don’t  feel alone or want a companion or that I have have it all figured out?  Nope. Does it mean that I might feel a bit dissatisfied later today? It doesn’t mean that either.

I am learning what it means to embrace all the elements of life and accept it all as good and full. I hope there are many who will be join me.

“I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into his abundance so that I may reach the purpose that Jesus Christ has called me to fulfill and wants me to discover.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3‬:‭12‬ ‭TPT‬‬